Анекдоты от Андре

[ДедМазай 7291]

Собственно, периодически подбрасывает.

Перевод работает не всегда.

Посему ... enjoy if you can *27*

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:

===================

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

[Крупный скутерист 28091]

Парень подозревал, что его жена обманывалась на нем, так что он нанял Китайский детектив... Дешевый, который он мог бы найти.

Это - его сообщение:

===================

Наиболее честное сэр,

Вы оставляете дом. Я наблюдаю дом. Он приходит дом. Я наблюдаю. Он и она оставляет дом. Я следую. Он и она ходит отелем. Я поднимаюсь дерево. Я смотрю окно. Он целует ее. Она целует его. Он удаляет ей. Она удаляет ему.. Он играет с ею. Она играет с им. Я игра со мной. Я ослабеваю дерево. Я никакое видеть.

Никакой гонорар, Укрытие Cheng

Дудушко, а когда смеяццо? *1*

[ДедМазай 7291]

Артём, я же сказал - не всё переводится, особенно программами.

Конкретно здесь - игра вокруг х%ёвого английского языка китайского детектива.

Парень заподозрил жёнку в измене и нанял детектива-китайца. Самого дешёвого.

Атчёд детехтива:

....

Я залезть дерево. Я смотреть окно.... Она ласкать он. Он ласкать она. Я ласкать себя. Я п№здануться с дерево. Ничего не видаль.

Оплаты за мои услуги не требуется

Edited February 19, 2010 by ВаНо

[Chert 16961]

Наши интелоидные китайцы похоже не из дешевых, во всяком случае их английский намного круче:)

[ДедМазай 7291]

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware

that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height

of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her

to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted

the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind

to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her

picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the

step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and

screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even

know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would

agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda

figured we was friends..

[Водоплаватель 3778]

А я по русски напишу, хотя в других языках вариант тоже имеется, но так понятней *16*

Встречаются два знакомых коммерса за кружкой пивка:

Один - "Я уже лет пять бизнес наладил, на Чукотку холодильники продаю, на улет идут, до сих пор понять не могу, зачем они там?"

Второй - "Это хня, я деясть лет в Штаты отправляю часы с кукушкой, завод еле справляется!"

"А зачем им часы с кукушкрй?"

"Да х... их знает, зато с каждой штукой в комплекте 20 кг корма"

Edited February 19, 2010 by Водоплаватель

[ДедМазай 7291]

после того, как Вы расстегнули молнию на моей мухе три раза, я своего рода

изображенный мы были друзьями..

---------------------------

Перевод выполнен программой PROMT™

http://www.promt.ru

после моего вы распаковали летать три раза, я любопытная

фигурные мы были друзьями ..

/translate.google.ru

1. Fly - муха. To fly - летать. На слэнге = ширинка. *21*

2. Я же написал - не надо щеголять способностью вызвать онлайн-переводчик. Бесполезно это. Лучше взять словарик в руки, да подточить язык. *27*

3. Плиз снеси свой пост. *32*

Edited February 19, 2010 by ДедМазай

[ДедМазай 7291]

Классика жанра. Слушать внимательно.

The "F" word *01*

The_F_word.wav

[SANDREX 111]

Ребята,х..ня какая то.ИМХО. *21*

[Фидер 13]

Что Швейцарцу-Австрийцу хорошо,то нам типа не понятно,блин!

[Олег С. 1]

Я привел машинный перевод не с целью "щегольнуть умением пользоваться..." а в качестве своеобразного анекдота. По-моему- это было даже смешнее оригинала....

Снес однако.

Edited February 19, 2010 by Олег С.

[ДедМазай 7291]

Ребята,х..ня какая то.ИМХО. *21*

- Не люблю я кошек.

- Да Вы их просто готовить не умеете!

ЗЫ: в подзаголовке темы всё сказано.

[БАТЛКРУЗЕР 8]

The Zipper

.........

- Как вы смеете ко мне ТАК прикасаться, я даже вас не знаю!

- Сударыня,в принципе, я с вами согласен. Но вот если бы вы мне расстегнули ширинку трижды, мы бы наверняка уже были бы друзьями

. .....даже сложно дать адекватный перевод, однако, последней фразы.. в русском языке тяжело однозначно сформулировать "предполагаемую ситуацию *1* чтото типа "представьте, вы расстегнули мне ширинку трижды. Не уж то мы после этого не стали бы друзьями"

... по этой причине не читаю переведенную литературу. Фтопку. Логика искажается. А она и без того сложна к восприятию... А в оригинале ниасиливаю. Юмор - особенно.

ЗЫ. Мазай, словари тут не помогут ни коем образом. Дело в синтаксисе, причем, чтобы понимать юмор, его надо "прописать на подкорку" и никак не мельче. Пожить, пообщться, а еще лучше поучиться ТАМ. Смешно, это значит синтаксически-логическая несуразица.

[Же-Кю 94010]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Заходит мужик в магазинчик автозапчастей и спрашивает у продавца:

- У вас в продаже жидкость тормозная есть?

- Не, нет...

- А хоть тосол?

- Тоже нет...

- Ну, а жидкости для омывания стёкол, что тоже нет???

- Ну, нету, нету!

- Так я не понял, у вас что, из лёгких вин вообще ничего?!

[ДедМазай 7291]

- Как вы смеете ко мне ТАК прикасаться, я даже вас не знаю!

- Сударыня,в принципе, я с вами согласен. Но вот если бы вы мне расстегнули ширинку трижды, мы бы наверняка уже были бы друзьями

. .....даже сложно дать адекватный перевод, однако, последней фразы.. в русском языке тяжело однозначно сформулировать "предполагаемую ситуацию *1* чтото типа "представьте, вы расстегнули мне ширинку трижды. Не уж то мы после этого не стали бы друзьями"

'Well, ma'am, normally I would

agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda

figured we was friends..

- Понимаете, мэм, я бы с вами согласился, но после того, как вы трижды расстегнули мне ширинку, а решил, что мы друзья..

[ДедМазай 7291]

The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first

that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes

it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh

about the situation, Considering how and where the parrot had been

raised..

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

[Guest Тёмыч]

Ниасилил патамушто войнаимир *1*

ЗЫ хотя про попугая из публичного дома можно почитать :)

Edited February 22, 2010 by Тёмыч

[БАТЛКРУЗЕР 8]

Well, ma'am, normally I would

agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda

figured we was friends..

- Понимаете, мэм, я бы с вами согласился, но после того, как вы трижды расстегнули мне ширинку, а решил, что мы друзья..

....

" she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little" означает прислонилась или обратилась?

Про попугая к стати язык намного проще.

[ДедМазай 7291]

To reach - доставать, достигать.

To reach the stars - доставать до звёзд.

To reach the goal - достигать цели.

Здесь:

... она дотянулась до зипера сзади, чтобы подрасстегнуть свою юбку,

___________________

1.

Деде, харош, блин!!!!

http://volgafishing.ru/forum/index.php?showtopic=14870

[ДедМазай 7291]

SENIOR CITIZEN

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying

the wind blowing through what little hair he hadleft.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police

car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the

police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.

Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let

you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

[ДедМазай 7291]

___________________

1.

Деде, харош, блин!!!!

http://volgafishing.ru/forum/index.php?showtopic=14870

Вопросы:

а) 1. - это кто? *32*

б) ткните меня носом в оверквотинг (если речь идёт о нём).

[Гарри 13]

Все больше задумываюсь о том, что нужно учить язык. Не всех пониманию *01* .

[alex_vax 1]

Про попугая прикольно! *23*

[ДедМазай 7291]

Some useful lessons on coconuts picking.

How one can tell, by sight only, good coconuts from bad ones?

I am going to share this skill with you now

so that you can apply it the next time you go plucking coconuts !

GOOD COCONUTS

BAD COCONUTS

HOPE THIS HELPS CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION

[ДедМазай 7291]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next

hour just rubbing his testicles ..

Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

"Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ...

"I Really Miss Mine"

[Виталька 2]

Юмор спицефичесекий,но улыбнул, спасибо.

[ДедМазай 7291]

Sweet Tea joke

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

"Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.

When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "So...now you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" *32*

[БАТЛКРУЗЕР 8]

Зачет *1*

[австралиец 10591]

+1 =)

[Guest Адепт]

Дедушка, ты чего это на инглиш перешёл ? Этот анекдотец где-то в других темах юморных по русски был.

Edited July 5, 2010 by Адепт

[австралиец 10591]

Адепт,

Я влезу, раньше увлекался инглишем, примерно в то время, когда сформировался мой ник =)

Тоже задавал себе такой вопрос. У Англичан на офф. форуме иммигрантов встречал много анекдотов на английском, точь в точь как русские. ХЗ, может они тоже такие же придумывали или переводил кто.

[австралиец 10591]

Вот тоже, вспомнилось:

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type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350" align="center">

Improve your english

[австралиец 10591]

и еще про Майкрософт, теперь по долгу службы обязывает)))

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, " I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".

Edited July 5, 2010 by австралиец

[TRAMS 50]

Деревня, единственный покосившийся дом в ней, в котором за столом сидит старый дед и глушит самогонку, а на печи лежит бабка.

Дед: - Бабка!

Бабка: - Чё тебе?

Дед: - Что-то сквозит... Закрой форточку. ДУЕТ!

Бабка: - Ду ит ёсэлф, маза фака!

Edited July 5, 2010 by TRAMS

[ДедМазай 7291]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O

P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE

IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"

[Chert 16961]

Философски:) Не лень кому то было суммы считать:)

[Водоплаватель 3778]

Канада. Семья выходцев с Украины.

Жна мужу:

- Хани ! ЗашАтай дору, плиз, бо чылдренята заколдэреют!

[ДедМазай 7291]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says,

'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[ДедМазай 7291]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[ДедМазай 7291]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

[ДедМазай 7291]

Ирландская подборка.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I

almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then

I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're

not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and

put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked

over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that

. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was

sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're

beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now

'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor

creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the

creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough

to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya

tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up

two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with

each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and

asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting

senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'

[ДедМазай 7291]

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah,

Who was now living in England and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over

-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing

Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will

Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah

Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector

About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the

Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my

Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load

of money for the future costs of moving power

Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the

Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them

That the sea would be coming to us, but they would

Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban

On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They

insisted that I was

Confining wild animals against their will. They

Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and

It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in

A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark

until they'd conducted an environmental impact study

On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the

Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They

Insist I have to hire only Union workers with

Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming

I'm trying to leave the country illegally

With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

" The Government beat me to it."

[ДедМазай 7291]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

[ДедМазай 7291]

29a1 It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself

and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.

You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one

could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that

make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a

toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,

considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a

Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his

neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.

Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.

Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it

shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he

sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must

pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

We should all have this kind of anguish

Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000

PLUS a new motor home.

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on. 0

[Водоплаватель 3778]

One guy came to whorehouse and took a whore.

Having paid, he started making love with her, slowly, without any harry.

Time passed...

" Are you finished?" - girl asked unpatiently, after quite a long time of screwing.

" No, I'm Danish!"

[ДедМазай 7291]

hurry

Danish = Eesti? *01*

[Evro 17408]

Danish = Eesti? *01*

Дед , не совсем, Датчане создали себе репутацию перенасытившихся сексом людей, типа и группой и зоо и чуть не с инопланетянами и однополые браки разрешили впервые в мире... Типа попробовали все и всяко, не то что у нас в цехе работал Гл. Конролер, так он, с его же слов и жену ни разу не видел голой при свете))) И проблем с оргазмом не было *01*

[Водоплаватель 3778]

Danish = Eesti? *01*

Дед , не совсем, Датчане создали себе репутацию перенасытившихся сексом людей, типа и группой и зоо и чуть не с инопланетянами и однополые браки разрешили впервые в мире... Типа попробовали все и всяко, не то что у нас в цехе работал Гл. Конролер, так он, с его же слов и жену ни разу не видел голой при свете))) И проблем с оргазмом не было *01*

Thanks, Grandpa for your correction! *26* I lack writing very much at the latest time. *12*

We used to laugh at Estonians, but europians - at Danish people.

Really don't know why, they're appeared to be very nice and hospital people, pretty smart.

Edited February 11, 2011 by Водоплаватель

[ДедМазай 7291]

Thanks, Grandpa for your correction! *26* I lack writing very much at the latest time. *12*

We used to laugh at Estonians, but europians - at Danish people.

Really don't know why, they're appeared to be very nice and hospital people, pretty smart.

No comments anymore *28* 'cause too much already

[ДедМазай 7291]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of the year!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop

finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

read: Low Bridge Ahead.. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?The truck driver says, 'no, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband

replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect'.