Анекдоты от Андре

[ДедМазай 7992]

An old guy … ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

[ДедМазай 7992]

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her

and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the

brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit

paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the

room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'She again

replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,

too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a

normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst

in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense

attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very

quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll

send you both to the electric chair.'

[ДедМазай 7992]

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back

and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake!

Leave it on the porn channel.

You already know how to fish!"

[ДедМазай 7992]

SMILE

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,

mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've

not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things

commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about

the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.

'

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, yo

u’re still black'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches

tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is

wrong??

The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus. The man says Do you want me to

call Father O?Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the

last ting on my moind at the moment.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.

But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich

works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter

speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her

mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could

look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m

going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a

farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks

back up and shouts back. ?You’re in that feckin basket.?

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I

got wrong.

The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??

The answer I should have used was Fiji

[австралиец 10592]

Очень смеялся: http://en.fishki.net/comment.php?id=96857

[TRAMS 50]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

___________________________________________________________________________

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Edited October 21, 2011 by TRAMS

[ДедМазай 7992]

zero percent and yet not wrong

Q1. In which battle did Custer die? * his last

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * lunch or dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * the other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * no problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * you will never find an elephant that has a hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * no time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

*8*

[ДедМазай 7992]

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

[ДедМазай 7992]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well сool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[Влад2 129397]

Дед, не ужели такие дорогие украшения в Англии?

Обосраться *11* *1*

Нехай к нам приезжает *16*

[ДедМазай 7992]

такие дорогие украшения в Англии?

Не, это такие магазы спецом для начинающей элиты, где за обычные шмотки-жрачки-цацки в шикарной упаковке платят вдесятеро, а потом пакетами с названием магаза гордо отсвечивают перед соседями и т.п.

[ДедМазай 7992]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Edited February 3, 2014 by ДедМазай

[ДедМазай 7992]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' *20*

[Сапер 9]

Losing all your friends

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

[ДедМазай 7992]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Сапер 9]

Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I"m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that"s confidential!"

[ДедМазай 7992]

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Share a smile with someone today. I just did. *8*

[Сапер 9]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn"t it be great if that happened more often?

[ДедМазай 7992]

Stopped by Police at 2AM

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[ДедМазай 7992]

How to Age Correctly

107 Yrs. Old says:

"For better digestion, I drink beer.

In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine,

In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine,

In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch,

And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps.”

“When do you drink water?”

“I’ve never been that sick.

[ДедМазай 7992]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything

Was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened

Suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was

Totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so

Dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did

Mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great

Fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a

Girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

Firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she

Divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[TRAMS 50]

Напомнило нашу версию:

Однажды, молодой человек решил жениться. Но никак не мог выбрать себе невесту из трех своих подруг.

Он долго думал, и вот, наконец, он решил устроить им проверку. Каждой дал по 10 тыс. $, чтобы посмотреть, как они этими деньгами распорядятся - это позволит ему сделать правильный выбор (так он думал)...

Первая накупила себе нарядов, привела себя в порядок в салоне красоты, пришла и говорит: "Дорогой, ты дал мне деньги, я вложила их в себя, потому что хочу, чтобы все знали, что у тебя самая красивая жена".

Вторая накупила разной красивой одежды жениху, аксессуары там всякие (туфли, запонки, часы...), пришла и говорит: "Дорогой, я тебе накупила всего самого, потому что хочу, чтобы все знали, что у меня самый красивый муж".

Третья вложила бабки в дело и заработала такую же сумму, приходит и говорит: "Дорогой, ты дал мне деньги, я вложила их в бизнес и заработала столько же, а теперь все тебе отдаю, потому что хочу, чтобы ты знал, что я смогу всегда в жизни тебе помочь и не буду сидеть у тебя на шее...".

Молодой человек еще больше задумался... Всю голову себе почти сломал. И... женился на той, у которой больше сиськи! :)

[ДедМазай 7992]

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first.

"I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny’s tart!"

[Макс Никитин 7136]

по - нашенски то нет перевода?

[Водоплаватель 3778]

Дык, и так понятно *01*

[Макс Никитин 7136]

Ну ВЫ с буржуями на ТЫ, а в деревнях то не все понимают:))

[ДедМазай 7992]

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom"

"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[n13 8266]

in comments:

I have one of those on my minn-kota already. It's my son.

[Снежный 194]

А между тем миннкота отозвала все ультерры. Горят однако. Пришлось террову взять.

[ДедМазай 7992]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "No, fuck off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump. *1*

[Крупный скутерист 28749]

Ну ВЫ с буржуями на ТЫ, а в деревнях то не все понимают:))

+1. Пишите по русски, буржуи хреновы, а то а бан отправим.. *1*

[Влад2 129397]

Коротенько *16*

Пох Европейским мужикам кого трахать, хоть живых, хоть дохлых

Зы: Зато случаи суицида сокращаются *1* *1* *1*

[ДедМазай 7992]

Коротенько *16*

Пох Европейским мужикам кого трахать, хоть живых, хоть дохлых

Зы: Зато случаи суицида сокращаются *1* *1* *1*

В общем, по просьбе трудящихся. *27*

Отчаянная дама топчется на краю пропасти, вот-вот прыгнет.

Грязный бомж, бредущий мимо, тормозит и говорит: "Слышь, раз ты помрёшь через пару минут, и тебе пох - может, перепихнёмся?"

Она завопила: "Отъ#@ись, грязный старый ублюдок!"

Он пожал плечами, повернулся, и, уходя, бросил: "Хорошо, пойду вниз и подожду там."

Она не прыгнула.

Это же не инструкция по эксплуатации, а литература *32*

Edited September 2, 2015 by ДедМазай

[ДедМазай 7992]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon ( A large stick) and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

[ВаНо 22973]

Пацсталом!

[ДедМазай 7992]

As only the Irish Can Tell A Story!

Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

[ДедМазай 7992]

VATICAN HUMOUR

After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms..

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there; the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's being chauffeured by the Pope!'

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humour out of life.

[Крупный скутерист 28749]

Диду, переводи на русский уже,а? *16*

А то на кетайцком постить начну.... *1*

[Крупный скутерист 28749]

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's being chauffeured by the Pope!' [/i][/color]

Напомнило бородатый совецкий анекдот:

"Не знаю кто это, но за водителя у него сам Брежнев!" (С).... *01*

Edited December 24, 2015 by Крупный скутерист

[ВаНо 22973]

[ДедМазай 7992]

A Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full..

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions---

and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with each other.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix things.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities..The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Please share this with friends you care about.

I JUST DID!

[Серж 6]

Нифига не анектод. Но жизненно. Спасибо.

[ДедМазай 7992]

The  room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.  

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. 

Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. 

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen,  remember -- you're in this together. 

It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. 

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 

After a few  moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf  bag?"

[ДедМазай 7992]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down...…

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[ВаНо 22973]

[ВаНо 22973]

Ну, а если кто не знает кто же такой этот самый Андрэ, то вот он, собственной персоной в нашем лагере чуть ниже Луковой 

Справа не он, если чО ))

 

[Крупный скутерист 28749]

Справа Дидэ...

[Филимон 21835]

14 часов назад, Крупный скутерист сказал:

Справа Дидэ...

Да уж...как вроде недавно было то))))) Надо еще тему - Онекдот от Супряткина)))))

[ДедМазай 7992]

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.  

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.  She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: 
 
“I'm on the toilet.  Please advise.”

[Nightwish 21444]